There is a God. All is well. There is justice in the world.

I know this (along with a landslide of other hyperbolic optimistic cliches) because of three words: Patricia's. Big. Closet.

You won't believe me when I tell you about it, and honestly, I am half-inclined to keep this secret to myself. But my excitement over this recent discovery -- a magnitude of excitement that propels my innate big-mouthedness -- outweighs my selfish greed.

But barely.

OK. (Breathing and collecting myself.) Ima...